Feeling blue, not the kind of blue that you can forget if something more interesting comes along, but the blue that makes you not want to do anything. It is like you are drowning and everyone who is around you is breathing just fine. You cannot tell them that you cannot breathe you just keep watching them thinking that eventually some one will see you and what is happening. So, to answer your unasked question, yes, I have depression, it is a very heavy burden at times. The thought of being with 100 plus people at a family Christmas reunion in a little barrio a long way from home was more than I could even think about. What do you do when the plan was enacted before you could say, no. It seemed like a good idea at the time it was suggested, but unless someone know how it feels to put yourself through the motions without the motivation or feelings, when you really want to just sit and hide and not talk or be touched, the darkness just deepens for you. I went, I touched cheeks, I spoke immeasurably bad Spanish, I ate roasted pig, drank the native drink, and the music blared into the day and night. There was sling shot contests for the men, there was a trompo spinning top competition for the men, with the women shouting encouragement, but from the side lines. I was amazed that no one saw the women not doing the fun stuff. I knew better than to say anything, it is culture, years in the making. I hope that someday after an equal amount of years, women are seen here too. It deepened my sadness, seeing but not saying.
We stayed at a hostel in San Jose de Minas, it had a beautiful view, a comfortable bed, and a son that wanted to be our construction company when we build our house. It it rare that someone does not see us as their next conquest. We stayed there until 3 pm the next day…without hot water. They asked us when we arrived when we would like to shower, they would need to turn something on so we had it when we requested. I know we told them at 9 am the following morning we would like to shower, before breakfast. Nope, their son will not be our builder, we need hot water.
Arrival home was a thrill that lifted some of the funk, our dogs were thrilled we didn’t disappear as they had thought we had. The furry guardians could take a long deserved break from the iron gate and walls that surround our compound, content that no unauthorized person breached the wall. I was exhausted from pretending, I was sad that I have these feelings that prevent me from being like everyone else. I get so tired when I am back from an event that requires me to pretend that I am okay.
I am doing so much better today, I did appreciate the kindness of the people who welcoming us to their family Christmas celebration. One day I will be able to thank them and be there in the moment, but for now, I just have to keep trying to breathe.